In the middle of the yuck

Hi gang! It has been a few weeks since I have published anything on here because, well, I have really been struggling with my mood and my mental health. I have a tendency to isolate myself when I feel yucky, which just tends to purpetuate the cycle, and further worsen my mood.

It’s quite impressive, and equally maddening, how I can be so aware and theoretically cognizant of how my actions are contributing to my mental struggles, and yet continue to feel absolutely powerless in the face of it all.

That’s a big part of why I haven’t been blogging. Because times have been rough, and I don’t feel I have anything of particular interest to share with you all. And mort importantly, I usually like to instill a sense of hope in my articles. But that’s really hard to do when I am frankly feeling a little hopeless lately.

For one, I decided to back out of starting my own private/holistic practice this coming September. It was a really tough decision to make. I had actually reached out to the owners of this clinic back in March of this year, and had slowly been working towards joining their team.

However when it came down to it, when it was time to hammer out all the details and get the ball rolling, I was flooded with intense anxiety. For about a week’s time, I woke up in a state of panic every morning. I felt my whole body tense up, my heart race, my stomach squeeze and my eyes tear up before even stepping out of bed.

I spent my days fighting overwhelmingly anxious or worried thoughts. So much so that I worked myself into a panic attack. Luckily, I was headed to my therapist that day, and we worked through it. However, the next morning, I woke up with anxiety yet again. This time, I started having chest pain.

So I tried to check in with myself, and once I let my ego quiet down, it was clear to me that I just didn’t feel ready, professionally and mentally, to take on this new venture.

My ego was (and still is, to be honest) butt hurt. I told so many people about this new venture. The owners of the clinic invested time and money. I invested money as well. Friends and family cheered me on. It just seemed so perfect. And I was frankly very attached to the idea that this would be the answer to my current struggles.

So making the decision to indefinitely postpone this wonderful opportunity was very difficult.

And I think that since then, I’ve kinda hidden away in my own little world. Because I feel shitty. I feel shitty about not knowing what to do next. I feel like a failure for not being back at work. I feel like a failure because I am still struggling so much with anxiety and sadness, despite being off work.

Or maybe I’ve been struggling so much because I have been away from work? Away from the social benefits that work brings to us. Yet I have no clue what my next move should be. People tell me to take my time. And I am trying. But it just really sucks to be in this limbo.

It’s a beautiful day out today, and I can’t even bring myself to go for a walk outside or reach out to family and friends.

The struggle is real guys.

Anyway, I sincerely apologize for this rather depressing blog post. But as I have always said, I strive to be transparent with you all and well, these shitty and depressive periods are just a part of my life!

However I was inspired my one of my favourite authors, Rachel Hollis, who shared a video on her Instagram yesterday. In this post, she talks about how we rarely share or see things on social media about “the middle” part of the journey. That yucky period of time when things aren’t looking up, and you just want to give up.

So, here I am guys. I am smack dab in the middle of the yuck. I feel stuck. I feel crappy. I don’t know which way to go, or where the way out is. But I am trying to hold on to the idea that things will get better, and I will be okay.