Reflection on my first Sober Party

Guys I did it!!! I survived Hope Volleyball without taking one sip of alcohol!! Rejoice!!!

Frankly, it wasn’t even that hard! I had maybe two moments where I thought “Man, I just want to join the party and drink!” and definitely a few moments where a sip of a crispy cold beer would have been welcomed. But that was it.

I liked how I was in control of my every word and action. I like how I won’t look back on my day and think “god I acted so stupid” or “I can’t believe I said that”. I like how I was able to dance, enjoy the music and rock my body without the assistance of alcohol to feel confident. I like how much money I saved. I like that I am not hung over and am enjoying my Saturday evening writing, reading and doing some yoga while watching Netflix. I like that I feel good.

What I don’t like though, are some of the thoughts I had during the day.

I don’t like that I looked at others who were inhebriated and judged them. I am totally ashamed to admit this. I am not proud of it. And I recognize that it probably comes out of envy. I also did feel a little sad, though, as I looked around and realized how much society accepts, and even expects, us to “get fucked up!!!”.

I didn’t like the moment, when I was dancing in the crowd, and started feeling self conscious because I was getting warm and a little sweaty. Because no guys were coming up to me and dancing with me. That’s when I would have wanted a drink. When I felt my insecurities rise inside me. But I bravely sat with it instead. I noticed as my eyes looked around and my mind innunaded me with self-depracating thoughts: comparing myself to other girls who were flawlessly dancing – hair done, makeup glam, bodies rocking, boys fluttering.

I felt so out of place.

And yet I just wanted to belong and fit in.

What I realize though, as I debrief on this day, is that I long for a feeling of belonging to a group. I really do. I don’t think I have ever really felt that. And I apologize to any friends who are reading this thinking “But you have us!! You belong with us!!”. I do, and I thank you, appreciate you and love you. But this isn’t about you guys.

This is about me.

It’s about the fact that for over a decade, I have tried so hard to fit in and belong, and do the things that I needed to do to fit in, that I have lost myself along the way.

And now it’s time to break down all the things that I have built and created, that are not authentically me. It’s time for me to reflect and sit with myself, and figure out what feels good. What makes me happy? What makes me smile? What makes me feel confident? What makes me feel inspired? What makes me feel creative? What gives me butterflies?

It’s time for me to meet myself.

And I know, in my heart of hearts, that once I do, everything else will fall right into place, in exactly none of the ways I expected.

Bring it on, baby!