I am on day 7 of stimulation/injections for my first round of egg freezing. It’s wild to be here, after nearly 17 months of thinking about this, and 4 months since making the decision to go ahead with this. So far, the process has actually been surprisingly easy-going. I expected to experience a lot of emotional turmoil because of the hormones and just the grief associated with the fact that I have to do this at all. But in this moment, I mostly feel gratitude and a deep sense of surrender.
I never thought I would do this.
I have wondered about my fertility for a long time. Admittedly, I was never the most careful about contraception. And I have had a number of friends become accidentally pregnant – some even while using contraception. So I always wondered if something was wrong with me. I had an IUD in place from 2016 to 2020 and I noticed that my cycle shortened during that time. I didn’t think much about it until I started studying perimenopause and menopause work for my work. As I learned about the hormonal and cyclical changes that accompany the end of the reproductive years and the transition to menopause, I realized I had symptoms. Most importantly, a shortening cycle was a sign of potentially decreasing egg quantity, and in general a shorter cycle tends to be associated with lower ovarian reserve. I sat with this for a while. Maybe I didn’t really want to find the truth out?
But in the fall of 2023, when I was recovering from my melanoma surgery and experiencing significant pain and disability because complications, I found myself confronted with questions about what mattered most to me in life. It’s not that I ever felt like my life was in danger because of the melanoma, but going through the whole experience made me think about the preciousness of life. It made me want to turn towards hard things rather than away from them. I wanted to lean into life, not out of it.
I decided to ask for an AMH blood test which is one of the better tests we have to help us estimate ovarian reserve. I felt really alone in this process because my partner at the time was a hard no for kids. He sort of supported my process from afar, but it was really hard to balance taking steps towards something that was not compatible with our relationship. Despite the fear and sadness that it brought up, I knew I needed to find out. Life is too important not to move towards the things we want, even if they scare the shit out of us, or expose us to the biggest hurt.
As I suspected, my AMH was quite low for my age, that of a 45 year old woman. I was referred to a fertility clinic and got further testing done. I was strongly urged to freeze eggs as soon as possible to ensure a possibility of having children down the road, seeing as I was not ready to try then and there.
I wrestled with this question for a whole year. Scared I would run out of time. But terrified of investing so much money and emotion into something I was not sure I wanted. I actually felt pity for women who chose to go through fertility treatments. How desperate, how sad. Could they not accept the reality? How could one spend so much money on something with no guarantee? I judged them.
But now here I am. Just as sad, just as desperate … just as courageous.
There has been something terrifying about owning my desire to have children. Something so vulnerable. For a long time, I have believe that I was too fucked up to have children, let alone be with a partner who desired to have children with me. I was way too fucked up for either of those things. Better not dream of something so unlikely, I suppose …
Owning my desire has forced me to courageously face my insecurities and confront them. It also helped me foster a new level of self-worth.
I was so encouraged by my loved one’s reactions when I announced I wanted to freeze eggs. People were encouraging.
Initially, one of the hardest steps was asking for financial support from my parents. I thought I would need about 15 000-20 000$ and it felt absolutely overwhelming to spend so much money on something so uncertain. In the end, it looks like I will be spending over 30 000$ for the whole process because I have to do 2 rounds of egg freezing and need the highest possible dose of medication. I am not sure when, but at some point I think I just completely surrendered to the fact this process was going to be stupid expensive. And this surrender has spilled into other parts of this process and other areas of my life too.
I am surprised at how much peace I feel about the lack of control. I feel like it should scare me, deter me, upset me. It certainly has in the past, and even just last week too before I started the injections, when my period was late. Maybe it’s all the estrogen my follicles are producing … but I think it’s mostly something else.
An acceptance, a respect for life and her will. A reverence for the power of the universe that lovingly laughs at my futile attempts to control the silliest of details.
This past Saturday, I planted seeds with dear friends to start seedlings for our gardens. As I sat down with the cacao that my friend made for us, I reflected on the day, the season of the year, and this season of my life.
It is a time for planting seeds.
I feel so much peace as I face so much uncertainty for my future. So much openness as I fully let myself feel the desires that run deep in my veins and in my heart. So much pride for the courage I have found to plant these seeds, to invest in my hopes and dreams, even though there is no guarantee.
I trust that life will be gentle with me, and that her will may be even brighter than anything I could dream up.
A few pictures from injections in the car during a big rain storm – wasn’t going to let injections stop me from a fun date!
The Stories in my Head 