Coming Home to Poly

This idea of coming out as poly, seems to me a very external process. It seems like a thing that we do, not necessarily *for* others – because I understand that for some, coming out is a proclamation of their truth, a process of becoming empowered in our identity, and speaking it loudly to the world. Not unlike my blogging has been for me. And yet, it still seems externally focused to me. The language of “coming out” doesn’t feel right to describe my process of finding poly nor the way in which I want to communicate my poly identity to the world. Parts of me do sometimes worry about sharing this, as if I am revealing this dirty secret or shocking thing about myself. Honestly, the most daunting thing about poly for me has to do with how unprepared I feel the world is for poly and how much it disrupts so much of what we assume as “normal”. It shines a light on dark corners most people never want to explore. I don’t take this lightly, this idea of talking about this openly and publicly. The ways in which this may impact people’s perception of me, my relationships or even opportunities down the road. So in that way, this is a very external process by its nature.

But, more and more, I am really trying to not only make decisions, but literally live my life, for me. Not for others.

Historically, I have been so, so so so concerned, with the external world at the expense of my internal world. For whatever reason, pretty early on in my life, I inherited some beliefs about my worth and how dependent it is on my ability to be valuable to the external world. Whether by being an easy child, an easy partner, an easy friend, an easy employee. By easy, I mean conforming, having minimal needs, making myself convenient. In time, I developed this pretty keen ability to constantly scan my environment to attune to the needs of others, in order to shape shift into this ideal person that others needed me to be.

The beauty in that, is that it’s gotten me pretty far in life. I think that is a large part of why I have been able to, not only accomplish so much, but really be successful and build lots of connections – although they may not have always been fully authentic. It’s not that these connections have always felt awful or that I have been pretending to be someone else, or not been myself. But just that I have only been able to reveal a small part of my being, both to others and myself. I do think that this external focus has brought me a lot of goodness in my life. In fact, I think it was necessary to survive, to navigate the world and protect myself from its harshness. But once again, it’s really been at the expense of my internal world. And really, at the expense of my authenticity in the sense of my ability to tune inwards, and really know myself, know my needs, know my wants, know my “nos”.

And so I find myself at the age of 33, almost 34, really having to put a lot of effort into sort of tuning out all these external expectations and pressures, in order to really be able to hear myself, and get to know myself. And that makes me really sad. I feel sad that my relationship to myself isn’t a relationship that I’ve had a chance to really develop, and enjoy for most of my life. Still, I am also happy to report that it’s a relationship that is really growing and blooming recently. And feeling really good for the most part. I become more and more delighted as I get to know myself, and discover my intuition, my strength, my true resilience.

By this, I mean not this external conceptualization of resilience as if I am someone who can push and push and push, and do hard things, and get back up and keep going. This thing we like to portray in the West as if we are invincible, able to take on the myriad of roles and accomplishment that capitalism sells to us as if we are superhuman. Especially as women. Because I have certainly done that. And it nearly killed me.

It’s a more, again, internal resilience, that on the outside, might not be recognized and particularly celebrated in our culture, in our current systems. A few weeks ago, I declined a wonderful opportunity to explore a leadership position in the psychedelic world – and I lamented to friends and family that it sucked that my turning down something because I needed to wasn’t going to get celebrated the way we celebrate career advancements, pregnancies and graduations. Yet it felt like such a big accomplishment that was worthy of celebration, this honoring of my needs despite the temptation of a beautiful opportunity. This internal resilience I allude to is rather a sense of really being able to create a home within myself. A really, sort of, warm, supportive, compassionate environment where I can rest. And exist, and come back to, over and over again. One that allows me to move through difficult things. A lot of difficult things that relate to unlearning stories about my worth, and writing new ones.

And so I am coming home to poly.

I wrote about poly a number of years ago, and I cringe a little bit when I read that blog post that I wrote about 5 years ago. It just seems so naive and superficial to me now, and honestly performative. But that’s where I was at, and I actually look back on that with a lot of fondness, despite the cringyness. Despite my critiques about it, I also think it was a really brave thing that I did, to use that language back then, to claim that as part of … I don’t know that it was part of my identity then, but it was certainly an interest. And I think that that was really brave of me, and I am really proud of myself for owning that, while holding the fear of what people might have thought or judged.

Now I find myself fully embodying the polyamorous lifestyle. And once again, this feels like an incredibly brave thing to do. More importantly, its one of the most important things I could have done for myself, a necessary thing.

Over the last few years, and it feels like exponentially so, I’ve been really starting to become more critical of the systems within which we exist. My blogging has had a lot to do with that. In the last two years, I have not blogged a whole lot, but there has been a LOT of honest examination of these systems. And really trying to untangle myself from these systems, and engage with them in a more conscious and intentional way. I see clearly that a lot of the way we move about in the world, is really dictated by these systems. And for the most part, the values of these systems are assumed, as true, and correct, and just ‘the way it is’ and ‘the way it’s bound to be’. We are like fish unaware of the water in which we swim.

Taking a step back to clearly examine things like patriarchy, capitalism, western medicine, western science, monogamy and colonization has been a pretty scary process. Because often, as I extricate myself from these systems, there is a sense of ungroundedness that comes up, anger, disbelief, grief, and relief. It feels exquisitely complicated and confusing to critically examine the western medical system because I work in it every day – its pretty tricky to become critical of a system while still needing to interact with it and have faith in it. This has all been quite challenging while also bringing me so much goodness. It’s helped me reflect on the ways in which I am just SO human and normal, and healthy. A lot of these systems would have us believe that we are faulty on an individual level. Whether that be financially, with our mental or physical health, relationally, with our place in society and our opportunities in society – the weight of this individual liability we have as we move about in these systems. This idea that it’s possible, individually, to climb the ranks of these systems and be successful, powerful, fulfilled.

I have learned that this is not entirely true, for most of us. And that what we experience as individual failures, or illness, or short comings, are actually much more reflective of these really messed up systems that we exist in. And the difficulties that we present, are much more symptomatic of the lack of health of these systems, than the lack of the health of ourselves as individuals.

So I’ve been able to really shift my understanding of my experience within these systems, where more and more, I no longer think of myself as broken – although there is still a core belief that exists with me that I am broken, a little voice that sometimes whispers things at me in the back of my mind. This idea of being broken used to drive a lot of my life. Because I was constantly trying to fix and prove myself. I was convinced that if I just worked harder, I would feel better, and be better. In 2019 I reached a sort of climax where I got so good at playing the system, and yet I was so unwell, and things really fell apart. Because it was like, well, I am so good at this game, so why is it that despite being so good and following all the rules, and being such a good girl, I am not getting the promised benefits of these systems?! Was I really that broken? A voice of me did not buy that. And so it forced me into deep reflection. I used the term having reached a “climax” because it felt like I had climbed to the top of this mountain or peak. But, as I look back now, it is more like I had climbed down, and hit rock bottom. It has been a slow climb out it. One that has been really hard because I feel like I am going against the flow, against the status quo, against so much messaging.

It’s movement that I would previously have perceived as failure. I have gained a not insignificant amount of weight, I feel like I have become more ugly according to beauty standards, I don’t and cant work “full time”, I have really slowed down in my career advancement, and now I am sort of fully coasting professionally (at least, externally), I don’t own a home, I have some good amount of dept, my social engagement has reduced in size, I am consuming less. A lot of those things are often perceived as failures within our systems. I will be honest, there are thoughts about those things that really do, I don’t want to say plague me because it’s not that intense or frequent. But there is this nagging little voice in the back of my mind, especially related to my work, that is constantly questioning whether I am just a failure, and feels like I need to constantly be explaining why I sort of seem to be going backwards in my career and not forward. It can feel quite hard, especially when the narrative pops up that I am being a lazy, or bad healthcare professional.

Sigh.

But poly. Poly has been a whole other level of looking critically at systems. And really honoring myself over fitting in to these systems. Monogamy, as an institution, is a system that I have been gently, gently becoming critical of over the last few years. The concept of relationship anarchy, without using that language specifically, is one that I have been exploring more and more with some close friends over the years. Questioning the ways in which we prioritize romantic partnerships over all other relationships. In terms of developing really close friendships that in some ways resemble more romantic relationships than strictly platonic ones by our society’s rule. I have also carried a lot of shame about my inability to create a “successful”, long term monogamous relationship with a partner.

My romantic relationships have often felt difficult. And like, they didn’t quite fit into the mold that I was taught was “best”. I’ve looked around at a lot of my peers, and felt like I had so many shortcomings in terms of relationships, because I struggled to maintain that longevity with a single person. And I, just longed, longed so deeply, to be “normal”. To be able to really fit into this status quo.

I had unlearned this belief about being broken in other spheres of my life, but relationally, romantically, the belief that I am deeply broken has persisted. Because why wouldn’t there be something wrong with me, if everyone else seems to be doing this thing that I cant seem to be able to do.

As much as I’ve been really interested in poly and theoretically, cognitively, was putting into question monogamy, the thought of actually stepping into polyaomory seemed like such an unachievable thing. It seemed to me like something that other people did, not me. And it also seemed to me like it was a bit of a fantasy land, that it didn’t really exist, that we don’t live in world where these things can really happen, that the real world is much more harsh and complicated that than. That I just needed to accept, the shitty status quo of the real world, and ignore the part of me that believed things could be different. That maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t really *that* fucked up.

And then I came to polyaomory, in a very backwards and messy way. And yet it was in such a perfect and intuitive way at the same time. It wasn’t so much a decision I made, rather it was something that just unfolded naturally, and that I made room for in my life.

Now I find myself, a few months into this journey. And I see clearly that embracing polyamory, not only as a lifestyle, but really as a relationship orientation, has been one of the most authentic things I have ever done.

Polyamory really feels like coming home.

It feels like taking a deep breath, letting out a big sigh, and dropping so many external and internalized expectations, dropping the weight of them. Setting down all of these ideas of how I am wrong, and broken, and deviant. And really surrendering to love. To my worth. And to abundance of connection and goodness that is quite readily available to us in this world. Unlike a lot of these oppressive systems would have us believe.

In entering polyamory, my partner asked me to do some reading and learning so that I could become a little bit more literate in poly, but especially a very trauma informed and attachment informed version of polyamory. In doing this learning and reading, I came across this concept of poly as a relationship orientation. In the same way that people have as sexual orientation – this idea that it is not so much a decision you make, but that it’s just the way that you are, your nature, a way that feels most likely being at home. The author of polysecure, Jessica Fern, talked about the way in which for some people, poly just really feels like a relationship orientation, it’s not such a choice, its just a way they are.

Although I do have some really well developed ideas about why polyamory is good and even necessary, as I’ve embodied this lifestyle, this way of being, it mostly has felt like …. “oh, this is just who I am”.

And this embracing of who I am, it really feels like a coming home.